Smile, it shows how strong you really are.

Almost November already.

The last time I blogged it was my birthday.

Much shit has happened since then.

Grandmother passed away :(. Ironic that in my last post I mentioned no one relatively close to me has left me.

Was a horrible feeling. I thought I was okay when I first heard the news, took a flight back home the next day. I thought I would be strong, that I would take it like a man.

But upon reaching home, I broke down seeing all my relatives mourning and crying. I didn't imagine it to be this hard. I couldn't exactly bring myself to the coffin where my grandmother was laid.

But that was 2 months ago. I am in a much better shape compared to then. Am already back in Melbourne, and life just goes on. And Melbourne's weather isn't exactly helping. Sometimes a little too hot, sometimes too cold, sometimes its pouring like a bitch.

Now, am looking forward to going home at the end of November.

I need a new start.

RIP, Madam Tee Siew Poi, beloved grandmother.

The Last Lecture

A friend of mine posted a link to a video on Facebook.

It was entitled "The Last Lecture Before His Death" or something. I thought that it was a video of someone giving a lecture right before he dies in the middle of the lecture hall.

Intrigued, I watched the 10-minute video.

Fast forward 10 minutes later and I achieved several epiphanies.

I was thinking in a different perspective.

What was so interesting and mind blowing about that video?

The lecturer in the video is Professor Randy Pausch. I'm no homo but I must say he had pretty good looks. He was brimming with energy and confidence.

Then he started telling his story. Turns out he has been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer, and has only 6 months of good health left.

But he was so happy and cheerful! He looked so healthy! He even did several pushups on the stage!

I thought to myself, how can someone, knowing that his days are limited to 6 months, be so full of himself and so optimistic?

He talked about achieving his childhood dreams.

He talked about how his parents enabled him to achieve his dreams.

He talked about how his football coach gave him a lesson in life he would bring to his grave.

He talked about everyone who inspired him.'

Everything he said he was giving me a new perspective in life.


So after that video I managed to download his book, "The Last Lecture"

It covers very important life lessons, things that I usually overlook, the essence of time, achieving dreams, adventures, etc.

It was also his autobiography, starting from how he was such a nerd when he was a kid, to how he got his doctorate and finally how he managed to marry the woman of his dreams and have three amazing children.

It also tells us how he tries to battle the cancer, how he run into metaphorical brick walls in his life, how he used to be an obnoxious, arrogant young adult, and how he handled these problems.

It tells us how we should enjoy our life to the fullest even though we know our days are numbered.

But most of all, it was a way to communicate with his children and wife. His children were too young to understand what he wants to teach them and what he wants them to do with their life. It was a way to show how much he loved them and cared about them. He wants them to know of what he has accomplished in his life, because children always needs reassurance that their parents did great things.

Dr Randy Pausch passed away in July 2008. He contributed much to computer science and virtual reality. He was also one of the forefathers of Alice, a software that teaches programming to children. He used to work as an Imagineer in Disney World. He was a superb lecturer and an even better family man.

God bless his family.



And I strongly suggest you watch the "The Last Lecture" videos and maybe even read the book.

As I am doing a degree in digital arts, I deeply appreciate his contributions to the Virtual Reality, Building Virtual Worlds, Disney World and in programming. I wish I could meet him.

2010

A stream of glowing light shot up from the ground and illuminated the sky in a most fancy manner, accompanied by noise which very much sounds like a wheeze.

A loud booming sound was then heard and that stream erupted into many streaks of multicoloured lights, diverging from the core into every direction.

The sight was mesmerizing. Everyone looked up in awe as more fireworks painted the dark midnight sky with distinct bright colours.

Moments ago, thousands of people were just shouting out numbers in an orderly but reversed manner, starting from a "10".

And then it hit me. 'Tis already a new year, the year 2010. This is the year I hit 21 years of age, the year I legally become an adult, the year my mind supposedly "matures completely". I tried to recall how new years felt like being a non-adult, but it pretty much feels the same, maybe just a change in location and company. And the presence of alcohol. The fireworks were still as glorious as they were 10 years ago.

So am I supposed to live this year and every year onwards differently? Are there going to be major changes in my life? What does this year hold for me? Who knows? I might just die this year. Touch wood. One would never know. Life is unpredictable that way. Should we work super hard just to suddenly die whilst we are about to achieve it? Or should we do nothing with our lives because we know that we can just die anytime?

Humans should have this grace period for the first 50 years of our lives where we don't die. If we were to die young it should've been made that we die when we were just ovums or sperms, not live 18 years of our lives and then poof. It is completely illogical. If there exists a higher being who created us, why would he see his creation die before they get to do anything substantial in their lives?

And that is why I decided not to have new year's resolutions. Of course, it is also because I never fulfill them anyway so it defeats the purpose of having resolutions. I want to lead a spontaneous life. I want to live at the moment. I don't want to make myself miserable to achieve something that last for maybe a year or two and then the world ends and humans go extinct or some crap like that. I want to live however I feel like, not living up to expectations. Or maybe because I'm lazy. But that's besides the point.

Life is complicated as it is already. We should just enjoy it while we can and accept death because ultimately it is inevitable.

Happy New Year

Inconsistent

That's me. I am never consistent. I always blog for about 2 weeks before stopping for another 2 months or so then continue. Oh, like you don't already know.

Life sucks at the moment. I have been back in Msia for almost 2 weeks now and have been doing the same thing over and over again.

Mamak
Shen's house
Movie somewhere
Eat
Mahjong

X 100

Super unproductive. And above it all many of my friends are interning now, making me look like this ultimate slacker.

It's not like I don't enjoy what I'm doing atm but seriously so bum =(.

Oh, my results are also out.

High Distinction, Credit, Pass.

Again, the inconsistency. FML

=(

Year 2010 I promise to myself would be a more productive year, because I can't go more unproductive than I already am hahaha.

They say when you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up.

Lets start with moar blogging!

And I was complaining that life's too hard...

Currently in a very dejected and depressed state of mind.

I was bored, and went around blog hopping. And I found out this guy Shobaan, an ex-WMS student, passed away on the 10th of September. Who knew reading blogs can make you this sad?

I never knew Shobaan. I've never seen him before in my life. But yet, I felt as if I knew him. This connection. Reading blogs after blogs regarding his death almost made me tear. He seemed like a super fun fellow, sarcastic and witty, good at insulting, a joker, sleeps in class, a first class slacker that everybody loves. There was so much for him to do in this world. He's only been around for two decades but now he lies in a coffin, his soul looking down at all of us from somewhere up there. Pretty sure we would've been good buddies if we met, so rest in peace, Shobaan.

This never occurred to me; I never thought of handling a death of someone you know, at least not someone of the same generation. I'd always thought we all will live to tell stories to our grandchildren. I never imagined what would happen if we die, right now, at the mere age of 20, because this is only the beginning of our lives!

And previously I was complaining about how I don't have the mood to go to university, how the assignments can take a toll on me. The hell is going on with me. I realised that we should all be thankful when the alarm clock wakes us up, instead of grumbling and thinking of the (maybe) unpleasant day ahead. Because we could have just died in our sleep.

Because by being alive we get to see others live their life.

Because being alive lets us see the colours and beauty of this world.

Because being alive allows us to know that the emotions we feel are valid.

Because being alive is, ultimately, God's gift to us.

Life is too unpredictable. Cliche, but true.

=(

That being said, I hope my aunt, who has been diagnosed with cancer, will survive through this hard time in life.

Stay positive.

If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

They never stop. Until, about an hour or two past midnight. The trams, that is. One of the many reasons I like staying in my current apartment; trams.

Trams are so different from other public transports, I reckon. You don't have to wait too long before another one arrives to pick you up and zoom you into the buzz of the city. Whereas taking a train gives me an implication that it'll be a long journey. And most taxis deteriorates your nose and olfactory system. Buses, I rarely see them, at least in Melbourne.

One can hop in and out of a tram whenever, no 20 minute rides before the next stop, no being tortured by the BO of the dude next to you for too long, etc.

Sitting in my apartment, I can clearly see the Melbourne Uni tram stop. Sometimes I get this strange bizarre feeling watching the many people rushing to and from work/university. I feel all psyched to go to uni and experience life with everyone else, knowing I'm not the only one going through this. Most of the time, though, I feel content sitting at home, looking at their miserable faces and I can't help but laugh at the shit they are going to face for the next 7 hours or so.

But then suddenly a thought struck me, why does it always seem like a bad thing, going to work/uni? Where did this mentality come from?

So I pondered more. The situation is so that most university students have actually no idea what they are studying, nor do they actually like the subjects they are doing. They are studying because mum and dad wants them to (at least to most Asians). They don't know how the subjects they learned will help them with their jobs. That's why most of them end up with jobs they don't like.

Then I thought about myself. I'm doing digital arts. I would much rather do this than engineering or commerce, but yet I get the "Shit I've got class tomorrow" feeling everytime. My parents were supportive in what I wanted to do, although they're both in business. Then where the fack did this feeling develop? Because I actually like my course! Ahh!

I feel like a lost soul wandering aimlessly looking for an answer.

Speaking of lost, I've been seeing signs along the roads of Melbourne saying "John come home; we forgive you; grandma is in heaven now; dad and mom forgive you" and the likes.

I'm guessing, John accidentally killed his grandmother and ran away. Ah, how sad.

Life sucks.

I've got an assignment due Thursday.

Throw it away, forget yesterday.

We'll make the great escape.

I wanna go out and see the world.

I wanna take pictures with my trusty D60 (It's been rotting).


I wanna lose myself amidst a big city in the states.


I wanna ride camels in the desert.


I wanna drink coffee/ hot chocolate in Europe.


I wanna build snowmans that last for a few days.


I wanna admire Venice in a gondola.


I wanna see the nightlife in Vegas.


I wanna watch the sunrise in Japan.


I wanna watch matadors bullfight in Spain.


I wanna see the Colosseum in Rome.


I wanna eat good food all around the world.


I wanna drink coconut by world famous beaches.


I wanna drive around in a convertible in Miami.


I wanna walk in the back-alleys of London.


I wanna see the aurora in Alaska.


But I hate travelling...

I hate being stuck in an aeroplane.

I dislike aeroplane food.

I hate going to the lavatories in planes.




Ultimately, I wanna be able to teleport!





I changed my header and picture on the bottom right!

Change

Everything's changing.

I miss the good ol' high school days. 5 years of the same thing, with more funny wtf random moments every passing year. Friendships blossom incredibly fast when you're in high school. Even if you are in a new class, everyone seems to be everyone's good friend within a fortnight.

Whatever happened to that feeling of familiarity, that warm and close feeling whenever you enter a class. The feeling where people acknowledge you and knows who you are and which group you belong to in a typical class (i.e. the cool group, nerd group, slack group etc).

Who could've guessed how many things can change within a year.

Last year, I can never hope to be in an empty apartment sitting by the computer looking out the window watching people hopping on and off the trams.

Now here I am, in an empty apartment sitting by the computer looking out the window watching people hopping on and off the trams.

And yet I wear the same clothes. The same brown hoodie I brought with me from home, that bears signs of being over-worn.

There's a saying that goes "For things to change, I must change first".

But is it wrong to say that I've not changed? Then why is it that everything else has changed?

Hmm.

It's weird how suddenly everyone you were, or at least you thought you were close to appear so distant to you. Now that's a change too, right? But I haven't been doing anything significant that is changing my lifestyle to any extent.

One year, is that all it takes? 365 days and you feel completely different from 365 days ago. Oh god now I don't even know what I'm talking about. I think I'm contradicting myself.

2008 + 1 = 2009

2009?

What happened to 2008?

How did everything felt like a drag at one point of the time and feels like a blur now?

Early this year I was all hyped up about university, living in a new place, meeting new people.

Now it's suddenly time for a new year.

Another set of 365.25 days.

I wanted to make a list of what I did for 2008, but I reconsidered.

Because in general, I did NOTHING

And I'm not really proud of it.

2008 has been a year of ups and downs, but mostly downs for me.

I was at the trough of my life during semester 2 in Melbourne.

Seriously, I think I can cry, thinking back about it.

After all I'm really emotional, not emo, emotional. Note the difference!

Everything seemed like it was spiraling downwards.

I don't see a point in my life anymore.

There were days where I wished there was this "Off" button on my neck.

But then I wondered, "What will happen to my Facebook account if I died?!"

That silly thought kept me going.

And of course, being able to see my cherished friends and family helped too.

What would I do without you guys?

Oh, horoscopes are really freaky.

They give this subliminal message, but whatever you are going through is really true as stated.

I mean, how can one horoscope apply to all Leos?

Seriously, there's so many people born with the same horoscope as you.

My horoscope today was

It's still all about those around you with the Moon in your 7th House of Relationships. You cannot exist in a void; there must be an easy rhythm to your life now, so you can dance through your day. But progress could be very slow; don't worry if it seems like you're not gaining ground. The leap ahead will happen before you know it.

And before I read it there was really something in my head, about not gaining ground on a certain something.

Stop getting into my head Mr. Rick Levine! (The dude in tarrot.com)



Aaaaanyways.

All the best for 2009, people.

Happy New Year

It's really true

That we don't appreciate things until they are gone.

Over the past week I've heard news about people's relatives passing away. Then I start to wonder what difference would it make if I passed away. Would people be saying "I miss him"? And how many people would drop a tear or two for me?

Then again, I cannot imagine anyone close to me passing away. All those memories we had together will be flooding my thoughts. That must suck so bad.

Oh well, thankfully for me no one remotely close to me has disappeared from me yet. But I know the feeling will tear me apart once it happens. And to make it worse, everybody dies. So it's just a matter of time.

I was also thinking about whether it is better if I die first and let others cry, or be the last one standing whilst watching everyone else go.

I think the former thought is pretty selfish. But the latter one isn't that good either. Imagine being the last one going up to heaven/down to hell. Talk about being fashionably late. And also being a Malaysian!

I think I'm having random thoughts. I feel like eating bananas. My spectacles need cleaning. Things are looking pretty blur. Ooh! Would you still need to wear spectacles after you're dead? Must suck hard. Imagine dying without bringing the ghost of your glasses. Hahaha. I started this post talking about death. I guess I should end it that way too. Goodbye, world.

Death, picture of Shen photoshopped by yours truly



I'm going home on Thursday!

Sometimes..

Wait, most of the times, things just don't go the way you want them to be.

And you really wonder what have you done to deserve shit like this.

And the worst is when these things pile up.

And they just keep re-entering your thoughts every other time.

But all you do is bottle them all up, because no one actually understands the way you feel.

You put on this mask of a cheerful, happy-go-lucky human while deep inside, you continue to dwell with all the shit happening to you.

Soon there will be a time, a point, where you won't be able to take it any more, and you just feel like giving up on life.

And that is when you finally feel you have to let the world know your pain, your suffering.

And the urge to spill out all your problems will shoot up.

But no, you thought to yourself, as layers after layers of these feelings/problems unfold upon you.

You cannot afford to vent them out, because some things are better left unspoken.

Because some things will destroy the status quo.

Because some things will only complicate the already overcomplicated situation.

Because letting them out is a double-edged sword.

You will feel a lot better, but things will become worse.

So you sit in one corner, waiting for someone to make a move.

Waiting for one to open up first and finally say "FUCK THIS. WHAT'S HAPPENING"

While in the meantime, you continue leading this terrible life in the shadows of the day.

Ugh.

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.

Been thinking...

Judging from the fact that Mr Tay's blog has so much suspense and drama, I figured I should go all emo in the virtual world, while being a fucker in the real life, just like Mr Tay himself (No offence there shenny =X).

First I have this new emo-looking banner.

Now, time to emosify myself.

After analyzing Mr Tay's blog, I found out that to really make ourselves emo, we must insult humans.

--------------------------------------------



Humans. Why do we even exist? Why do we have feelings that no other creatures on earth feel?

The pain.

The sorrow.

The immense sadness, as we sit at a corner, thinking about our pitiful lives.

The feeling of a thousand needles, stabbed so mercilessly into our buttholes.

Yet we can't let it all out.

Can't we even shit in peace?

F#CK YOU CONSTIPATION!

Humans are so stupid. We eat, just to shit it all out in the end. And sometimes, it's just not worth eating. Things are never worth it anyway. Sometimes they stay, and we suffer, constipating, sitting on the toilet bowl, grinding our teeth. We even express our feelings through various Ughs and Aghs. But no, nothing ever happens. And to make it worse, these things we call "Mother" will freaking lecture us about not eating vegetables.

Vegetables. I hate them. They are so full of themselves. Thinking they will help us past motion. Screw you. Screw all of you! I hope you reincarnate as humans, and go through the same suffering as I had.

And hell, if it's not constipation, its diarrhoea. Things just never go the way you want them to be. And this "Mother" will again nag you for eating unhealthy food.

IF IT'S SO UNHEALTHY, WHY CAN WE EAT IT?

Seriously, why should we bother eating at all?

Humans contradict themselves. Earning salary to pay for food, yet let all the food out.

God is playing a practical joke on us all.


--------------------------------------------

Damn it. I can't pull off an emo blog. Tips anyone?

By the way, lame jokes!

A: Have you heard of the show called "Constipated"?
B: No.
A: Don't worry, it hasn't start yet.


A: How about this show "Diarrhoea"?
B: No
A: Oh, it's still running.

.sdrawkcaB

I was lost in thought after watching a certain video. It was unfamiliar territory.

Have you ever wondered how would things be if they were to happen backwards? Or how would things be if you solely perform and do actions like you do in this "forward" moment while others move backwards? Do some of us think that way?

I have an example. Was in college today and we were joking about something. Chinky didn't quite get it. It struck him only after a long moment and Jonah was saying "Chinky you slow la, you're like a big lorry taking damn long to gear up." Chinky, as usual, made a comeback with "I'm a fast car traveling in the wrong direction." Then I started thinking. That IS something like backwards motion, no?

There are many things that will look weird if done in a backwards motion. Except for maybe yawning. And making love.

Yawn = mouth closed, mouth opened, mouse closed.
Making love = Thrust, pull back, thrust, pull back.

Will be the same anyway =). Anyway, enjoy the video below.






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Now playing: Gensoumaden Saiyuki - For real (piano - version)
via FoxyTunes